I recently received a comment from a man who had stumbled across my ramblings who himself had a journey that led him to the Orthodox Church. It made me go back through and rediscover my journaling from a year and a half ago. I thought that I should share what has happened since then that time. Here is a excerpt from my last post:
I’ve been wrecked by the study of the Orthodox church….All of this is pulling at me like a strong current. At times, I am letting myself flow with that stream and at others I am holding on to something. The question is, “Is what I’m holding on to true and worth the cost of holding on?”
Soon after this post (just 6 days later), I went to a pastors retreat with about 12 other men from our area (the southern tier of NY). While I enjoyed the fellowship with the other pastors, I still was in spiritual turmoil over what the Church looked like and if I was actually a part of it. Every testimony and time of worship was scrutinized in light of what I was being challenged with. As much as I wanted to just be there and immersed in the group experience, I had too many questions rolling around in my head to be at peace.
On the last night we were there, we took time as a group to share what God had been showing us over the last couple of days and I found myself growing stressed over my lack of spiritual experience. I ended up not sharing anything because I really felt that I was so uncertain about things.
Immediately following this time of sharing, we shared Communion together. While I held the bread, the body of Christ, I was desperately praying that God would show me how to serve Him with all my heart. I told him that I just wanted to be one with Him, regardless of what that looked like. We were asked to take the bread and break it in half, symbolizing Christ’s brokenness for us. As I broke the bread, I heard Jesus say to my spirit as clearly as day, “I AM ENOUGH.” Immediately, I broke down into tears sobbing. A tidal wave of peace, love and acceptance rushed over me and I settled into God’s everlasting love. I knew then that I had wrestled with these questions long enough and God was releasing me from this aspect of my journey.
As I look back over these thoughts and questions almost 2 years later, I realize there are still questions unanswered and thoughts I’m sure I will revisit which God will use to challenge and encourage me. I’m reminded of what Paul said to the Philippians:
12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. 15 All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. 16 Only let us live up to what we have already attained. (Philippians 3:12-16)
My prayer, not only for myself, but for all who believe and call on the name of Jesus Christ, is that we would, by God’s grace, live out with our brothers and sisters by our sides, the high calling heavenward in Christ Jesus. Let us be the Body and bring the kingdom of God into a world desperate for His love. May it be so.
